Social Media addiction

While addiction is more of an exaggerated term, but seeing the current generation's excessive and almost obsessive use of their mobile phones, there is clearly no sign that we should use a word any less severe. Its pretty much clear, the behavior is outright compulsive. You are working on an important project which you need to complete today but every 5 minutes you keep checking your phone. You are learning a new skill and you know you need to be focused on it but your mind again takes you to your phone after some time for you to mindlessly scroll to the facebook or instagram feeds.

Why do we that? What are we gaining from it? Or are we really gaining anything?

A research suggests that talking about yourself on social media fires up the same pleasure centers as of eating and sex. Think about it again, these two are the things we most likely go back to again and again, and better the experience of them, the more we want it. So, instead of feeling completely satisfied by it, we only feel a temporary amount of pleasure which gets depleted quickly and then we again need a recharge ;)

While sharing personal stuff about yourself feels good, its not the only thing we do on social media. In fact, the majority of the people actually do the opposite. They mindlessly scroll through the feed, checking in photos of others, stalking someone they like, etc. These activities also fire up pleasure centres in our brain which can be addictive or at least is a major distraction. It also plays on our evolutionary need of interpersonal information.

Come on, lets be honest. We know that we should use our phones less, We know that it is stupid to keep checking our phones for new notifications, We know that mindlessly scrolling through the FB, Insta feed is highly unproductive but still almost all the time, we can't help it. Its become a habit we can't get rid of. What, a brilliant work of technology should be an enabler to mankind for better prosperity has limited us to dungeons of our little gadget with blue screens.

Psychological damage of such an increased use of smart phones is not something we can ignore. It is decreasing our attention span. Smartphones increasingly serve us (mostly) mindless rapid pace content which can constantly be changed/switched to one another at one click without waiting for even a second.
Prolonged habit of such use has resulted in massive reduction of our ability to focus and the attention span. There have been enough research which proves exactly that. Our ability to switch from one task to another maybe increasing because of the increase in number of "distraction apps" but it increasingly harms our brain to lead a focused contempt life.

A much bigger problem is that, it can lead to increased anxiety. Simon Hayek in his talk "Millenials in the workplace" notes that in today's life, everything is easily available. You want something? You can order it online in your convenience and you have an option to get it within 2 days. You need advice? you Google. You want romance? You go to dating apps.  You need food? Why cook when you can order it online with 50% discount!

And it all happens with a click. This ability is picked up by our brain and as brainless our brains truly are, it applies the same habit to other deep meaningful areas like being truly passionate about your work and be successful at it, forming deep touching relation with someone and hence it is unable to bear the fact that all of this doesn't happen with a click. That's why you are delaying all of this. Because you cannot accept the fact that it's gonna require a hell lot of an effort. And whenever we are forced to face this, we feel anxious. We are not used to this.

Mark Fisher in his work, Capitalist Realism uses a phrase - "depressive hedonia" for habitual use of pleasure devices. While depression is normally associated with lack of ability to feel pleasure, depressive hedonia is state where one cannot feel anything apart from pleasure. One needs a quick easy rush of that small dopamine hit and feels really uncomfortable when not provided one. Always.

A lot of youngsters use it to distract from their personal problems. Recall this, how many times whenever you were thinking about some challenging situation, you checked your phone? How many times instead of thinking about your real problem, you just postponed it for the moment and scrolled your feed? Probably a plenty times and worst almost always. Another big problem is, reduced ability to interact in real life. Well, online you have your control. You can choose to text later after coming with a clever reply. You can choose not to respond. You do not have to face the other person and deal with well, emotions. You do ofcourse have a choice over what communication channel to use but real life conversations are far more meaningful, satisfying and are more likely to have pleasant memories. Think about your close friends, you remember the amazing time you spent together or do you remember the texts you shared?

Another problem - Smartphones are not letting us be completely absorbed in the moment. A study showed a shocking percentage of people checking their phones during sex. Thats a whole different meaning we are giving to the term "phone sex". The stat is gullible. We definitely, almost always check our mobile phones during important occasions and events where we are supposed to be completely absorbed in. 

Social media companies are investing heavily on research learning how to keep you (away from what you should really be doing) hooked to their apps, so that they can capture your data and attention to show you ads. They don't want you to actually go out and meet that one special friend but they want you to like photos of them instead. Do you know that studies have shown that people read only about 19 minutes a day on average and most people spend only about 17 minutes in sports or exercise each day? It is unacceptable to see people spending more time on Facebook than they do on exercise and reading for improvement.

Signs of addictive behavior are simple.. Do you check your phone immediately after you wake up? Do you use it to distract your self from your important work you don't want to do right now even if it is important? Do you check for new notifications even when there was no buzz? Do you feel anxiety when its not near you? What should be the used for better access to outside world has actually cut you off from it.

Ways to combat our addiction is first the acceptance of it. "The first step in solving a problem is to recognize there is one". Lets do one thing honestly. Lets be away from our phones for 2 full days (If it looks like daunting to you, you need to do it immediately). You will notice a big good change in your mental state which will include more calmness, more focus and better energy. Just 2 days can bring a good enough change to bring more awareness in our lives on what we are losing out. 

Now, obviously I don't intend to bash social media usage completely. But we need change. For better. And we are starting to see it. For example this restaurant started giving discounts to those who sit without their phones and spend time with their family. The opposite of such an addictive and damaging use of something so commonly available and potentially fruitful though cannot be complete shunning it down. It is, the responsible use of it. We have already seen this in gambling industry where betting sites set an upper limit to the amount you can bet on. This enables the person to enjoy his game as well not being ruined completely. We need similar business strategies for social media usage as well like there are several apps which monitor your smartphone use time. Efforts like this should be spread and rewarded.

So....Are you addicted to your phone? If so, what are you doing about it?

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Stop treating yourself like shit.

Let me ask you a question. Say, if you are with a person who constantly ignores what you want to do. Whenever you go to him with your desires, he blows you away by telling you that you shouldn't do it, you can't do it and what not. Instead he forces you to do what he wants, in that particular moment with no regard whatsoever of what is good for you. He will tell you nothing but lies on why you shouldn't do stuff in your life you clearly know you should be doing. He constantly puts you down by always doubting your capability ultimately destroying your confidence. What will you do to such a person?
You will immediately run away, block him forever and never listen to him again, right? Yet this is what you are doing, to none other than yourself.

You know that you need to work that extra hour in office, you know you wanted to play guitar, you know you wanted to date that guy/girl, you know you should hit the gym yet you very conveniently refrain yourself from all this because you just can't pick yourself up to it. Lets talk about this internal resistance today which actually has no real value in your life, yet its there and controls most aspects of your life. What is it? and where does it come from? It comes from none other than you and arises out of laziness, low confidence, and fear.

Laziness

Laziness happens only due to achiever's mindset. Since you have always done things because you think they will give you some tangible benefit, you tend to be "lazy" about things that might not. You can see this, even the people who call themselves extremely lazy are highly active about stuff they care about, it is so because they have chosen to work for only those things which give them immense value. This is where we get wrong, everything adds value to our lives whether you know it or not. So, if we truly cared about the big picture instead of immediate return, we might as well learn to enjoy even trivial of tasks. Recognizng the true value and constantly reminding it to yourself can help you out of the bed.

Low confidence

There is nothing wrong with low confidence, it is just that we as a society have given way too much attention to confidence. Huge courses and seminars are organized so that you can display (fake) confidence even when it is not there. Confidence adds very less value in order to judge a person especially if its so easy to fake it. Also, there might as well be a case where knowledgeable person feels less confident something compared to an exuberant person. I know low confidence feels like shit but its also noteworthy that we probably too much stress about confidence. Confidence needs to be built within by getting out of comfort zone repeatedly, by actually doing what you are feeling less confident about. Try this, instead of feeling low about something you aren't sure about how to do, be curious. How do other people do it? How many ways can this be done? What are the consequences?

Fear

Watch this amazing video of Will Smith talking on fear. Go ahead, I am waiting!

So, the main point of Will is that fear lies. We all know that's damn true. Fearful thoughts are just an exaggeration of very limited information our brain has for something which we haven't even experienced yet. Here, we should not confuse fear with danger. Fear is a sophisticated mechanism in our body to cope with dangerous life and death situations. But rarely we come across such situations, isn't it? Then why are we using the same mechanism to handle petty situations in our daily lives?


Do NOT allow these barriers to come in your life. With more self awareness, it becomes easier to recognize them, accept them and then work on them. In this world, lets at least love ourselves and stop treating ourselves like shit.

Stop Thinking, Start Doing!

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Introvertedness vs shyness

Social interactions are powerful. They increase your capacity to love, overall life satisfaction and the sense of completeness in your life. They are the basis of forming relations with other people and are also the first yardstick for someone to judge whether to show interest in you. There is no limit to what you can achieve in your life with social interactions. You don't know who, when and where somebody might help you out with a situation. The more contacts you have the more jugaad you can do. Despite so many benefits, there are two types of people - introverts and shies who "shy" (pun intended) away from social interactions.


First of all, lets clear the definitions. Introvert is someone who naturally avoids social interactions in a sense that s/he does not like to stay with people (or many people) for a long time and avoids small talk in general. But shy people, on the other hand may want to interact with people but are unable to do so due to XYZ factors. Its this difference which most people are not able to separate and deal with a lot of unnecessary stress in life.

My idea when I say "social interaction" can be anything from small talks, light hearted talks, poking fun at each other, discussing about weather, stripping each other's clothes off for fun. Well, maybe you can skip the last one. But my point is social interactions are any conversation which are not much meaningful at first but can turn out to be, if given a direction. People tossing away small talks as completely "meaningless" doesn't seem to understand how it works. No random conversation at all can be instantly meaningful unless you have decided to initiate in such a way. It has to start with something petty. It is the stage you need to get across to get to the real fun but many people arguing against it often say that they choose only those who are already close to them since years or share large number of interests which is completely fine. Introverts generally find people sharing same interests and can live as fulfilled life compared to "extroverts" with far less number of people in their life. But shy people have a problem. They are unable to interact even if they want to. If you don't want, that's a different thing, If you are happy in your life alone, its fine but there are people who actually find themselves incapable to go and bloody talk with someone even when they are attracted to them or think they can have a meaningful relation with them. Now, this definitely is a problem.

My argument in the favor of actively participating in social interactions lays some fundamental foundations. First one is that it builds contacts. The more contacts you have, the more easily you get admission in a engineering college. Oops. Or may be not. But having multiple contacts in a country whose national slogan is "mere chacha vidhayak h" can quickly turn into a boon. You don't have any idea how quickly  you can have a network of well connected people if you are able to please people socially, and that's a very good thing.

Second thing is they are a very good way of emotional catharsis. Do one thing, make a friend or two of yours to whom you can share every small detail of your life. Be it, if your bike got punctured yesterday, or you almost were to meet an accident, or you had to stay in a long line at ATM today or any stuff like that. If your friend is close to you, he/she will listen patiently (atleast for some days) and you will notice your self as being literally more happy. It is the best way to release small frustrations of life which we consider as very petty and swallow which although might not be the best thing to do because they gradually build toxicity inside you.

Third thing is very obvious. It builds your communication skills. We all, at some point have to deal with clients/customers/partners in our jobs and businesses where very good communication skills can earn you a lot of respect. A technically strong person with good communication and inter personal skills is a killer combination. So just go for it!

The advantages of social interactions are an added bonus to life. They are not a neccessne thougt. You may go just fine without them but life is much better if you have it. We introverts are missing out on something really amazing probably by merely relying on our first instincts. Ofcourse I am not telling you to completely change your own nature, but given proper attention and good practice, we can train ourselves to enjoy conversations even with strangers (the worst nightmares for introverts and shy people). The arguments towards social interactions even those which does not include small talks are frowned upon in introvert communities. One more trend which is coming up these days is the glorification of introvert as someone being intellectually superior just because they like to tuck into a blanket reading a book instead of going out and meet with people. I would like to ask, how many of them are actually reading some really productive, mind expanding books?

Large number of memes which are mostly shared by teenagers on social media as being relatable to introverts are somewhat a sad phenomena. For example -

                                     

Being anxious about hanging out with someone you want  to hang out with is NOT something to laugh at. Humor is repeatedly used to hide personal vulnerabilities to avoid directly dealing with it. Instead of actually trying to work on the problem, if you simply create a meme on it and laugh it off, you are merely delaying the problem. Well, atleast we are being honest with ourselves but lets take this a step forward, lets start working on it. Lets not be captived by the so called "introvert" image which we carry ourselves in our head and try to be as open as possible. Because, there is a wonderful world filled with wonderful people out there. Even if we literally don't like to deal with people (which is fine anyways) lets not be so hell bent on being so closed inside our selves that we forget what its like to connect with people. Afterall, having that warm feeling with someone with whom you can share anything or hang around is precious and probably worth the effort.

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Coming out of negativity

Life is not all happy. There comes a time when our soul cries and we see no hope. When it feels everything is hollow and there is no meaning left. It happens to everybody, just that some people unfortunately face it a lot of times in their life.

The very nature of depression is circular. You go in one line of thought, and that ultimately leads to a depressing notion. Everywhere you are reminded of it and the more you think, the more you get entangled. The biggest trap your mind plays during depression is to trick you to get you to believe you can sort it out by thinking. Lets get this straight first -

There is NO way AT ALL by which you can just think your way out of depression alone. There is a very strong tendency in majority of individuals struggling with depression that they deal with it alone. The depression itself is telling, in fact yelling at you that you can't and it is okay. It doesn't mean you are incapable of finding a solution, its just that right now your brain is not at its best. If somehow we shift your brain to its natural state you see how quickly you will come up with a solution or even better stop caring about the issue in the first place!

I know its tough. I know it may not feel like worth doing. But trust me on this, its worth it. There is a light at the end of this tunnel. And we together CAN reach there. Because you are awesome and you deserve to it. Lets go through what we can do when we feel low -

1) Exercise -

Very intuitive but utterly effective. Your body needs to redirect its energy in a proper way and whats a better way to do that than exercise? You don't need to hit gym, just take out just 30 mins of your day and do some jumping , pushups, stretch yourself or even climb stairs and you will see very good results. Its a fact that exercise improves your mood by releasing endorphins and dopamine. Plus it really feel accomplished after a work out.

2) Discover new things -

When you travel to a new place, you get excited. This happens simply because our brain is wired to feel good on discovering new stuff. Go to youtube, and just start watching videos on a completely random but new topic , or maybe something you always wanted to research about but couldn't do it due to various reasons. Your mind will really thank you. You can also listen to new music. Just go to any music apps and play currently popular songs. The thrill of finding a good song for the first time is unparalleled!

3) Get busy -

Be it any creative hobby, or watching a TV show or just about anything you really or once cared about, just do it because you like it. This will help improve your mood and also help your brain to regain its natural state.  Involve your brain in activities you are passionate about.


 4) Bring some order in your life -

Some people like their habitat to be casual and that's ok but being way too much careless about it is also harmful. Get up and arrange your clothes in your wardrobe or maybe clean your desk , segregate all the files on your pc in proper folders. By bringing in some order, you are trying to reduce chaos and that reflects in your emotions too. You feel more control over stuff. 

5)Shopping -

Yea you got it. This is the time to buy those shoes you were planning for since long time! Not only you are giving your brain small but most pleasures but also you are taking care of yourself and your needs. Your mind likes being cared. If you think something is necessary and you should have it, take it. But don't go overboard with it otherwise you'll have this guilt of spending way too much money lol! 

6) Try out yoga -

Proven scientifically, practiced by millions, yoga can do wonders. A simple breathing exercise brings your brain in present, away from all the racing thoughts which are disturbing you. Lot of information already available on internet. Pranayamas are the best exercise for beginners and it has been proven that it works :)

7) Take everything out -

Once Tanmay Bhatt (yes the comedian) was called by Mukesh Bhatt for playing a role in movie. Few people were sitting there and they were discussing about the role which was to be given to Tanmay. Tanmay said that he is nervous as he has never acted as a main character. To this, Mukesh Bhatt sat silently for few seconds and then barked. Tanmay got shocked, such a big director and literally shouting "Bhau bhau" infront of everyone. To this, Mukesh replied - "This is what you have to do Tanmay, just take out all your inhibitions."

Take out all your inhibitions. Just whatever you are feeling - anger, sadness, crying. Just take it out with full honesty. Depression itself means that there is a lot inside your head, more than what it can take. This is not the time to shy away from your own feelings. So what if they are unpleasant, you should still express it. Just like how we express our happiness by laughing, acting bright, in the same way express your sadness in terms of tears. It has no place inside you, let it be out by fully expressing it and accepting it.

8) Take help - 

Lastly if nothing helps out, go and talk your matter with somebody. Humans are social beings, sometimes you really understand the way out by talking it out with someone. No way it indicates you are weak, in fact you are strong, strong enough to discuss these matters with someone. Help wont come to you, you have to go to it. If talking to your friends doesn't work, take professional help. Meet up with a therapist(now you can do that online too) or call a helpline number. I think everybody should try this option, trust me its a HUGE help in life.

9) Be grateful -

 If you are living in a city under your parents with a stable income, you are already way better than lots of people in this world. If expectations are reasonable, you will see more than 70% of your life is acting the way you want it. You have food on the plate, clothes to wear, people to talk with and love with. That makes most of your life needs. Its only the 30% or even less which bugs you because you constantly obsess over it. Instead of looking at what you don't have right now, be grateful for what you already have. Close your eyes and remind yourself of good things in your life,good memories and stay with that feeling for a while. Do this simple exercise and you will notice big change!

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"Keep trying" - but how much?

"Try try but never cry" , "great things happen to them who don't give up trying" , "nothing is over until you stop trying"...

You must have heard these lines and similar all over the internet. They are the de facto standard for the so called generation of  "motivational quotes" and they deserve to be. In fact, to keep trying is a very usual solution when things don't happen your way. When nothing seems to be working even when you tried your best. When you get disheartened or feel stuck. Determined people keep trying here and some of them succeed. The rest wonders whether its the time to give up or try harder the next time.

There are endless accounts of leaders, successful businessmen sharing how their journey was filled with failures. When they kept trying even when everybody thought they should give up or its probably not worth it. Steve jobs here nails it while explaining rule for success. He argues that you really need to love what you are doing to make yourself motivated enough to keep going when it gets really tough because it does get tough enough for any rational person to give up.

Sylvestor Stallone's script for Rocky (which he wrote for 20 hours straight) was rejected 1500 times. Then he received offers up to $325,000 which he turned down because he was not allowed to act in it. He finally agreed on with $35,000 offer which allowed him to act. The rest is history. Another example is of Walt Disney. He was fired from the newspaper he worked for "not being creative enough". His company experienced bankruptcy in initial stages.

And there are many more. Many of the successful leaders were judged for being incapable. Many of them failed, multiple times. But what really kept them going? How to decide whether you will be one of them?

The answer, in my opinion, to both the questions is same and that is belief. The underlying difference in the psychological construct of the one who is eventually going to succeed and the one who is not, is the belief to win. Solid, bulletproof belief  and the ultimate sense of urgency. Either this or nothing. When you don't want to do anything else and you believe in what ever you are doing, you will end up keep trying until you succeed. This is a time tested framework with endless number of examples. Problem arises when people confuse it with something which is not. And that is sisyphean.

In the zealous but disarrayed state of anxiously trying to put efforts, we probably waste a lot of time and energy and consequently destroy the quality of life in a false hope of actually trying to improve it. The efforts you started to improve your life can become potential cause for misery, not only to you but also to the people around you. Why are you working so hard? For whom are you working? Are you even clear what you will get if you succeed? Why are you punishing yourself when you can simply take a break and relax for a while?

When things are not working your way for way too much time, relax. Take your time to have a neutral perspective. If somebody else is going through the same situation, what advice would you give to him? Sometimes we care too much about something which may not be worthy enough. At that time, if we shift our focus away for a little while, it may help a lot to rationally make a decision and figure out something else which may be even more amazing.

The thing is apart from the hard work you should know the right work. Nothing happens if you are pushing the wall by bare hands. Life does not give a damn about how hard are you working, it gives you results only when you are doing the right thing. And figuring out the right thing has a lot to do with intuition. Again, intuition is not completely in your hand, it is just what you receive without doind anything. Instinct and intuition are easily confused. Instinct is a hardwired body response. Something which comes due to your experience and practice is an instinct. For example, when an experienced footballer decides to kick the ball in a certain direction, it is due to his continuous practice that his body is able to decide the best course for positive outcome. Intuition taps in to completely unknown. It is a logical leap, there is nothing in between, no experience to derive your rationale from. Once you truly understand this, the ability to make decisions become better.


Of course, I am not talking about not considering anything seriously. Chasing a challenging a goal is sure a very rich and learning experience. My goal is to be motivating enough for those who seriously want to keep trying but at the same time to ask for those who are not so conscious about their desire towards a goal. Those people spend way too much time and mental energy towards something which may well be beyond their reach(and it is OKAY if it is so). What we need, to truly enjoy our life is something which keeps us engaging enough but also which matches our abilities and desires.

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What is the most valuable advice you can give in life?

Once upon time a man was suffering from existential crisis from long time. He did not find his materialistic life worth living. Day by day his frustration increased and one day he decided to leave everything and go out for a spiritual training under a  perfect master. Leaving his job, wife, family and everything else, he packed two pairs of clothes and some food and set off on the journey. He was a very ruthless person and he wouldn't settle for any saint. He decided he will find a perfect master in the world for himself and then ask him the questions. Only the best and not anything less than that.

He first went to Chicago, there he asked local people who is the most perfect master in the world. People directed him to a famous and reputed church priest. He went there and asked him questions. The priest asked him to stay at his residence, follow a priestly life before answering the questions one by one. The man stayed there and  everyday on instructions he used to sing songs in God's glory. At the end of the prayer sessions, he used to ask the priest his own questions and to every question the priest used to simply read a passage from Bible which he seemed relevant. This did not satisfy the man at all and he left the place.

Then he went to Saudi. There also he searched for the most perfect master and he was sent to a wise Sufi saint. The locals first attempted to answer his questions but he refused to listen saying that he will only receive answers from a perfect master. He went to the place of residence of the saint.There every time he asked a question, the saint will simply start to say stories for the praise of the Lord and suggested him to do the same. He said the God will help to find the answers from himself. He tried that for many days. After everything he did, he had to say words of praises for God in hope to get some answers. One month passed without any answers and he got frustrated. He then asked the Sufi why are there still not answers to which the saint started to again tell stories in praise for God. Furious at this, he left the place.

Then again in search of a perfect master, he went to Japan. There he met a master who told him to learn deep concentration which according to him was the best spiritual life. The man agreed but for every small mistake the master used to beat him a lot. If he was late in bringing food for even a minute or if he disturbed his concentration even for a bit, the master used to beat him a lot. He could not tolerate this and after few days he ran away from the place.

Then, he came to India. There in search of the perfect master he came to a rishi who used to always meditate. He appeared wise, gentle and didn't ask to do any religious tasks as well. He decided to stay there hoping that he have found the perfect master. He asked one day "Guruji what is life?"

The rishi opened his eyes and said, "Life is like a beautiful flower." The man again asked, "But a Christian priest once told me that life is like a thorn!" to which the rishi replied, "Well, it must be his life!"

The man got amused at this and he wanted to ask more but the saint went back to meditation. The man used to cook food, clean the house for weeks but he got very little time to ask the questions as the saint was always meditating and whenever he used to ask, the saint will reply with just a one-liner like above and go back to meditation. This did not satisfy him so he decided to leave the place.

Then, he went to Tibet. There he said to the people that he have travelled across the world in search of a perfect master but could not find any. There also he went to several monasteries but none of them satisfied him because there the monks already had many disciples and they remained busy. There a monk suggested him to visit this one particular monk who lives in solace and do not have any disciple. They told him that he is the wisest among all of them, too gentle and also remains completely free because he haven't had any disciple for years!

He ran towards the place. This time he thought he have found it. The most perfect master of the world. He didn't eat or drink anything for 2 days straight travel. He finally arrived at the place and saw the monk sitting in silence. He asked one question to which the monk answered brilliantly in complete detail filled with logic. It was the best answer till now for the question.The man got heavily impressed and asked the monk to accept him as a disciple to which the monk refused. The man fell on the floor,

"O monk! I have traveled the entire world in great frustration only to find a perfect master for myself. I have gone through great pains and effort and when I have finally found you, you are going to refuse?"

"Yes, because", the monk replied, "I only accept perfect disciples!"


This is the most valuable advice. Never look for perfection. The man couldn't find any master because he was looking for a perfect master and that Tibetan monk couldn't find any disciple because he was looking for a perfect disciple. Life is beautiful in its own imperfection, don't compromise it in the context of logic or intellect. Nobody is perfect but the thing is, it is not required at all!

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Walk away: Importance of self respect

There comes from time to time certain toxic people who let you down far low in your own conscience and breaks you down from within. If you have had spent many nights sleepless feeling utter guilt, hatred, disgust over an activity of a single person who most probably doesn't even remember it, then you know what I am talking about. Self respect is a very crucial tool for surviving in this busy world but sometimes it falls apart when you are attached too much with a person who mostly is somebody skillful at the art of exploiting you. Sometimes, the person can be genuine too, maybe its just that you two don't get along well. Whatever may be the reason, its time you should just seriously think about your friendship rather than obsessing over few incidents which seem to you far more disturbing that it really is. Because overthinking it can hamper your confidence in living your life.

I believe that confidence and happiness are intrinsically connected. The happier you are, the more confident you feel and the more confident you are, the happier you become. So, anybody or anything which puts down your self confidence should be scrutinized heavily. There is no harm in expecting someone you are close with to respect you especially when you don't miss out on giving it. Silently going through embarrassing insults or mean statements or deliberate negligence  continuously for long serves you no good. And the worst part that most of the times, after going through all of it for so long can fade out the confidence inside you to pick yourself up and walk away!


"Toxic" people can be anyone from your online friend to your long term project partner who is utter slacker with no sense of shame to someone you consider "close friend". You realize that now you don't need anymore "sorries" and that hurting you has become a frequent occurrence of him whether knowingly or unknowingly. If you are trying to change him, you should realize that maybe you are fighting with his very quality. Just because he/she can go along well with somebody else, doesn't mean that can happen with you as well. Everybody is unique, they have their own frequencies which may or may not be compatible and its OKAY if it is not. You don't have to be such a saintly person from whom everybody gets impressed and for the record even saints are hated at!

It should be noted that I am not talking about small misunderstandings which are a regular affair in most relationships. There is nothing wrong with them and most of the times, they even act as a way to understand each other better. But they get sort out quickly and are never repeated. Instead, I am talking about someone you probably have already guessed due to whom you have suffered for long enough that it is time where you don't need anymore drama. Its the highest point of annoyance when you no longer feel anger or hatred towards the person, you just want him/her to disappear as if he was never there. You don't want to harm him physically or emotionally, you just want separation.

When it happens, the ideal response is something very very few are capable of, and that is to start cutting off that person gradually and gracefully and filling the space with some other friend while simultaneously behaving perfectly normal and thus avoiding unnecessary drama of "sorry" or rants. No more eyes are wet, no more nights are sleepless, no inbox is filled, the transition is smooth, the friendship falls apart. All by itself. If you have suffered for too long and with too much intensity, may be you cannot do this. Then, the second option and I urge you to do it is- Walk away.

It's true that whenever we talk about any "person" as such, it is not the entire being himself, but the ideas or concepts we make about them in our head, the recollection of memories of us together and we MAY make a mistake in perceiving others and it is still OKAY if that's the case. We cannot and should not be a perfect human being, we have to be just somebody who cares about oneself and seeks little more happiness than what is currently, after all that's what life is about, isn't it? So why bother bearing the burden, why bother trying to know whether you are right or wrong? Simply suck it and Walk away!

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