"Keep trying" - but how much?

"Try try but never cry" , "great things happen to them who don't give up trying" , "nothing is over until you stop trying"...

You must have heard these lines and similar all over the internet. They are the de facto standard for the so called generation of  "motivational quotes" and they deserve to be. In fact, to keep trying is a very usual solution when things don't happen your way. When nothing seems to be working even when you tried your best. When you get disheartened or feel stuck. Determined people keep trying here and some of them succeed. The rest wonders whether its the time to give up or try harder the next time.

There are endless accounts of leaders, successful businessmen sharing how their journey was filled with failures. When they kept trying even when everybody thought they should give up or its probably not worth it. Steve jobs here nails it while explaining rule for success. He argues that you really need to love what you are doing to make yourself motivated enough to keep going when it gets really tough because it does get tough enough for any rational person to give up.

Sylvestor Stallone's script for Rocky (which he wrote for 20 hours straight) was rejected 1500 times. Then he received offers up to $325,000 which he turned down because he was not allowed to act in it. He finally agreed on with $35,000 offer which allowed him to act. The rest is history. Another example is of Walt Disney. He was fired from the newspaper he worked for "not being creative enough". His company experienced bankruptcy in initial stages.

And there are many more. Many of the successful leaders were judged for being incapable. Many of them failed, multiple times. But what really kept them going? How to decide whether you will be one of them?

The answer, in my opinion, to both the questions is same and that is belief. The underlying difference in the psychological construct of the one who is eventually going to succeed and the one who is not, is the belief to win. Solid, bulletproof belief  and the ultimate sense of urgency. Either this or nothing. When you don't want to do anything else and you believe in what ever you are doing, you will end up keep trying until you succeed. This is a time tested framework with endless number of examples. Problem arises when people confuse it with something which is not. And that is sisyphean.

In the zealous but disarrayed state of anxiously trying to put efforts, we probably waste a lot of time and energy and consequently destroy the quality of life in a false hope of actually trying to improve it. The efforts you started to improve your life can become potential cause for misery, not only to you but also to the people around you. Why are you working so hard? For whom are you working? Are you even clear what you will get if you succeed? Why are you punishing yourself when you can simply take a break and relax for a while?

When things are not working your way for way too much time, relax. Take your time to have a neutral perspective. If somebody else is going through the same situation, what advice would you give to him? Sometimes we care too much about something which may not be worthy enough. At that time, if we shift our focus away for a little while, it may help a lot to rationally make a decision and figure out something else which may be even more amazing.

The thing is apart from the hard work you should know the right work. Nothing happens if you are pushing the wall by bare hands. Life does not give a damn about how hard are you working, it gives you results only when you are doing the right thing. And figuring out the right thing has a lot to do with intuition. Again, intuition is not completely in your hand, it is just what you receive without doind anything. Instinct and intuition are easily confused. Instinct is a hardwired body response. Something which comes due to your experience and practice is an instinct. For example, when an experienced footballer decides to kick the ball in a certain direction, it is due to his continuous practice that his body is able to decide the best course for positive outcome. Intuition taps in to completely unknown. It is a logical leap, there is nothing in between, no experience to derive your rationale from. Once you truly understand this, the ability to make decisions become better.


Of course, I am not talking about not considering anything seriously. Chasing a challenging a goal is sure a very rich and learning experience. My goal is to be motivating enough for those who seriously want to keep trying but at the same time to ask for those who are not so conscious about their desire towards a goal. Those people spend way too much time and mental energy towards something which may well be beyond their reach(and it is OKAY if it is so). What we need, to truly enjoy our life is something which keeps us engaging enough but also which matches our abilities and desires.

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What is the most valuable advice you can give in life?

Once upon time a man was suffering from existential crisis from long time. He did not find his materialistic life worth living. Day by day his frustration increased and one day he decided to leave everything and go out for a spiritual training under a  perfect master. Leaving his job, wife, family and everything else, he packed two pairs of clothes and some food and set off on the journey. He was a very ruthless person and he wouldn't settle for any saint. He decided he will find a perfect master in the world for himself and then ask him the questions. Only the best and not anything less than that.

He first went to Chicago, there he asked local people who is the most perfect master in the world. People directed him to a famous and reputed church priest. He went there and asked him questions. The priest asked him to stay at his residence, follow a priestly life before answering the questions one by one. The man stayed there and  everyday on instructions he used to sing songs in God's glory. At the end of the prayer sessions, he used to ask the priest his own questions and to every question the priest used to simply read a passage from Bible which he seemed relevant. This did not satisfy the man at all and he left the place.

Then he went to Saudi. There also he searched for the most perfect master and he was sent to a wise Sufi saint. The locals first attempted to answer his questions but he refused to listen saying that he will only receive answers from a perfect master. He went to the place of residence of the saint.There every time he asked a question, the saint will simply start to say stories for the praise of the Lord and suggested him to do the same. He said the God will help to find the answers from himself. He tried that for many days. After everything he did, he had to say words of praises for God in hope to get some answers. One month passed without any answers and he got frustrated. He then asked the Sufi why are there still not answers to which the saint started to again tell stories in praise for God. Furious at this, he left the place.

Then again in search of a perfect master, he went to Japan. There he met a master who told him to learn deep concentration which according to him was the best spiritual life. The man agreed but for every small mistake the master used to beat him a lot. If he was late in bringing food for even a minute or if he disturbed his concentration even for a bit, the master used to beat him a lot. He could not tolerate this and after few days he ran away from the place.

Then, he came to India. There in search of the perfect master he came to a rishi who used to always meditate. He appeared wise, gentle and didn't ask to do any religious tasks as well. He decided to stay there hoping that he have found the perfect master. He asked one day "Guruji what is life?"

The rishi opened his eyes and said, "Life is like a beautiful flower." The man again asked, "But a Christian priest once told me that life is like a thorn!" to which the rishi replied, "Well, it must be his life!"

The man got amused at this and he wanted to ask more but the saint went back to meditation. The man used to cook food, clean the house for weeks but he got very little time to ask the questions as the saint was always meditating and whenever he used to ask, the saint will reply with just a one-liner like above and go back to meditation. This did not satisfy him so he decided to leave the place.

Then, he went to Tibet. There he said to the people that he have travelled across the world in search of a perfect master but could not find any. There also he went to several monasteries but none of them satisfied him because there the monks already had many disciples and they remained busy. There a monk suggested him to visit this one particular monk who lives in solace and do not have any disciple. They told him that he is the wisest among all of them, too gentle and also remains completely free because he haven't had any disciple for years!

He ran towards the place. This time he thought he have found it. The most perfect master of the world. He didn't eat or drink anything for 2 days straight travel. He finally arrived at the place and saw the monk sitting in silence. He asked one question to which the monk answered brilliantly in complete detail filled with logic. It was the best answer till now for the question.The man got heavily impressed and asked the monk to accept him as a disciple to which the monk refused. The man fell on the floor,

"O monk! I have traveled the entire world in great frustration only to find a perfect master for myself. I have gone through great pains and effort and when I have finally found you, you are going to refuse?"

"Yes, because", the monk replied, "I only accept perfect disciples!"


This is the most valuable advice. Never look for perfection. The man couldn't find any master because he was looking for a perfect master and that Tibetan monk couldn't find any disciple because he was looking for a perfect disciple. Life is beautiful in its own imperfection, don't compromise it in the context of logic or intellect. Nobody is perfect but the thing is, it is not required at all!

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Walk away: Importance of self respect

There comes from time to time certain toxic people who let you down far low in your own conscience and breaks you down from within. If you have had spent many nights sleepless feeling utter guilt, hatred, disgust over an activity of a single person who most probably doesn't even remember it, then you know what I am talking about. Self respect is a very crucial tool for surviving in this busy world but sometimes it falls apart when you are attached too much with a person who mostly is somebody skillful at the art of exploiting you. Sometimes, the person can be genuine too, maybe its just that you two don't get along well. Whatever may be the reason, its time you should just seriously think about your friendship rather than obsessing over few incidents which seem to you far more disturbing that it really is. Because overthinking it can hamper your confidence in living your life.

I believe that confidence and happiness are intrinsically connected. The happier you are, the more confident you feel and the more confident you are, the happier you become. So, anybody or anything which puts down your self confidence should be scrutinized heavily. There is no harm in expecting someone you are close with to respect you especially when you don't miss out on giving it. Silently going through embarrassing insults or mean statements or deliberate negligence  continuously for long serves you no good. And the worst part that most of the times, after going through all of it for so long can fade out the confidence inside you to pick yourself up and walk away!


"Toxic" people can be anyone from your online friend to your long term project partner who is utter slacker with no sense of shame to someone you consider "close friend". You realize that now you don't need anymore "sorries" and that hurting you has become a frequent occurrence of him whether knowingly or unknowingly. If you are trying to change him, you should realize that maybe you are fighting with his very quality. Just because he/she can go along well with somebody else, doesn't mean that can happen with you as well. Everybody is unique, they have their own frequencies which may or may not be compatible and its OKAY if it is not. You don't have to be such a saintly person from whom everybody gets impressed and for the record even saints are hated at!

It should be noted that I am not talking about small misunderstandings which are a regular affair in most relationships. There is nothing wrong with them and most of the times, they even act as a way to understand each other better. But they get sort out quickly and are never repeated. Instead, I am talking about someone you probably have already guessed due to whom you have suffered for long enough that it is time where you don't need anymore drama. Its the highest point of annoyance when you no longer feel anger or hatred towards the person, you just want him/her to disappear as if he was never there. You don't want to harm him physically or emotionally, you just want separation.

When it happens, the ideal response is something very very few are capable of, and that is to start cutting off that person gradually and gracefully and filling the space with some other friend while simultaneously behaving perfectly normal and thus avoiding unnecessary drama of "sorry" or rants. No more eyes are wet, no more nights are sleepless, no inbox is filled, the transition is smooth, the friendship falls apart. All by itself. If you have suffered for too long and with too much intensity, may be you cannot do this. Then, the second option and I urge you to do it is- Walk away.

It's true that whenever we talk about any "person" as such, it is not the entire being himself, but the ideas or concepts we make about them in our head, the recollection of memories of us together and we MAY make a mistake in perceiving others and it is still OKAY if that's the case. We cannot and should not be a perfect human being, we have to be just somebody who cares about oneself and seeks little more happiness than what is currently, after all that's what life is about, isn't it? So why bother bearing the burden, why bother trying to know whether you are right or wrong? Simply suck it and Walk away!

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"Desirable qualities" are an emotional sham

Be it when you didn't like your friend shouting in a public place, or when you got angry over people not caring about you, we all have expectations of some "desirable qualities" in others and most importantly our dear friends. Although seeming to be a usual expectation, this habit can sabotage our relationships which cannot bear the burden of these expecations.

"He/she should be more decent", "he/she should not be so quiet","he/she should spend more time with me", "he/she should not react that loud", etc etc the list is long. From where do these expectations arises, what is stopping us to fully accept the person we like to spend time with? After all what is wrong with reacting loud?

I am going to talk the both way, Why we ourselves expect desirable qualities in others and why we give in when we are expected to have some of them The very fact that you are dependent on somebody who has loads of expectations from you indicates that you cannot accept yourself. There cannot be any other reason to it.


                                 

The biggest secret I have learnt in the life is that the key to peace is acceptance. If you are in bad situation, just accept it as it is, after all it's YOUR bad situation, It has come to teach you something, it has come with a message, "STOP", Stop what you are doing hence bad times are your prized possession! The last thing you need to do is not accept them as yours.

"The moment you completely accept your non-peace, your non-peace becomes transmuted into peace."
                                                                                                  -Eckhart Tolle

Just do this experiment and see it for yourself, be it any state you are in, just accept it. Be it the saddest moment of your life, just go through it as if you intended it to happen and you will find a new joy arising in your heart, a new happiness and that happiness will be spiritual. It does not come from external situations, it comes simply when you accept your life as it is. The art of acceptance is a miracle.

The biggest hindrance to self-acceptance is the fear you won't succeed in life with as you are. Teenagers are thinking today that they have to change themselves in order to live life properly. There is a certain behavior you got to do when you are in front of parents, something else in school, something else in the job. They have planned it all already, which is the most unfortunate thing I could ever think of. I mean this is the time when we are supposed to work towards our nature, to blossom the gifts given to us by nature and all what we are thinking about is whether people would accept us. You are giving complete control to others to the level you are now leading their lives! Multiple places, multiple lives! Would not your heart be torn into pieces? What is the need to please those people? Who they are whose only work in their life is to judge you? Who they are who are always spying on you? The people in the restaurant whom you never going to meet again? The people in the mall who won't cross you ways ever again? You are afraid of them?

I have never understood people who spend too much time grooming themselves, comb hair again and again, changing clothes again and again, All this for what? Outwardly, we just see that it is the need to look good, but there is a much bigger problem residing inside. And it is non acceptance of self. If only a little energy of their make up is spent in actually living life, they will see life is much beautiful without caring about looking beautiful.

Another biggest problem is you expecting others to be as you want. This expectation again arises from the same place- fear and insecurities which now are just projecting outwards. It occurs out of conditioning. Conditioning of "how to behave" guides throughout our lives. We have confined ourselves in the conditioning so how could others reject them and be free? What a disgrace why such unfairness? Naturally a person who has killed himself won't allow others to live, he is unable to. There is nothing wrong in being what one is and only if you are living yourself you can accept others life. Their behavior is their own nature, their own life and to accept them, your own life has to blossom. Life cannot reject other life, only conditioning can.

"That’s why people are such great fault-finders. They find fault with themselves – how can they avoid finding the same faults in others? In fact, they will find them and they will magnify them, they will make them as big as possible."
                                                                                                                         -Osho

So the next time you didn't like somebody's behavior, ponder over it and try to know whether it is coming from inside, does it have any solid base? 

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