I have been analysing myself for quite some time now especially in regards to love, relationships and compatibility. One video that I really love about compatibility is this podcast clip where the relationship expert is trying to explain compatibility in the form of mappable intimacy styles to really test whether you can be together. Its a great way to slice up different aspects of a personality and see yourself whether you fit with someone.
I find the examples mentioned for recreational intimacy, intellectual intimacy, etc very fascinating and had a whoa moment there. It felt so good to see someone actually explaining me or putting words to describe what I was aspiring to. Without all these intimacies I feel that there is something lacking in any relationship I have and makes it difficult to put on some effort. But again, thinking too much around compatibility can often put up unrealistic expectations and ignore basic human needs in pursuit of imaginary euphoria.
Before looking for your partner with long list of expectations, first thing to realize here is that humans should learn to value the healthy relationships they are already in even if there is no strong compatibility. Compatibility is only for your own personal happiness & satisfaction and not a basic human need. Basic human need is to feel loved, protected and taken care of. If this is provided, lets say from parents, friends, etc I think we should value them regardless of "compatibility" parameters we have in our head and make efforts to make the relationship stronger nonetheless. I am guilty of trying to avoid this and realized this as my toxic trait and have fixed it. Because I feel that Human beings have potential to go beyond their personal needs especially when they are cared for. Its what love is capable of getting it out of a human and it has the potential to reach fulfilment beyond happiness & satisfaction. To go beyond your own needs and realizing that someone else needs you brings service out of you. And In service, human finds great fulfilment if they learn to recognize it.
The greatest need of a man is to feel needed.
But humans are complex and hence fear arises based on self interests which leads to expectations and compatibility checks. Also toxic and abusive relationships have dangerous impact on an individual with real consequences. This leads to further complicate expectations because you can be compatible with someone who is actually toxic and you can struggle choosing between the thrill & excitement which you can have with a "compatible" partner who provides you enough stimulation versus someone who is simple, caring but may not be able to fully entertain you. Which partner will you choose? Humans often struggle with this choice.
Lets say you have 5 potential partners you are in talking stage with. Assuming that all of them are a good human being and have willingness to grow and put bare minimum efforts, I think its okay to then look for compatibility and proceed with the option who you feel are most compatible with. Not other way around. The 5 aspects of compatibility mentioned in the video is a good place to start. Also note that you need not have to have all of them, just the ones you feel are more important. Still, to repeat myself A good human being should always be prioritized in favor of a person who may not be good at heart, have abusive tendencies regardless of "compatibility". "Compatibility" in those cases will be a very cheap, often hurtful replacement of genuine human need for love, affection, positivity and care. Ofcourse I am talking about people who have to choose between the 2. One who can have both is lucky. But if you are not that lucky, learn to stick to core human needs & values.
To be able to reach this maturity will require huge heart to go through your healing process. Unresolved traumas often leads to weird expectations and a strong desire to have your partner behave exactly the way you imagine in your head. Simplifying yourself is a very liberating feeling and will immediately make you compatible with lot of people. Have you noticed how simplistic people often have low expectations from their partner and lead to having a happier and stable life then we can ever imagine?
Having too many expectations can be a trauma response. Learn to recognize it and fix it. In your search of the "right person", learn to be right person yourself.
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